Post a Comment
Welcome! We’ve created this page for you, to hear your thoughts and your reactions to “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce.” Elizabeth Marquardt also blogs regularly at www.familyscholars.org. Use the form below to post a comment with your reaction or thoughts to Between Two Worlds. Comments will appear on this page exactly as you’ve entered them, so, for your own privacy, please do not include personally revealing information. You may also send comments to commentsatbetweentwoworlds.org (the @ sign has been removed to prevent email harvesting).
Elizabeth,
I wish you much success with this publication and all that will flow from it. At the first opportunity I shall read it and pass on news of it to family, friends and colleagues. I do hope you will find much to enjoy in the excitement of your book promotions.
Good luck and best wishes,
Posted on October 5th, 2005Chairm
Beth,
Posted on October 31st, 2005I’m looking forward to reading your book. I know it has been a rewarding journey for you and for those whose lives you have touched during your research.
Kathy G.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for a remarkable contribution to generations of parents and children. I wrote one of the 5 letters published in the New York Times this week, which was by no means meant as criticism of your study. As a third generation divorcee, I’m well aware of the validity of your findings. [I write the Fatherhood Channel at http://fatherhood.men4health.com.] I’m also well aware of the critical importance of curricula and other learning resources to provide skills training to those most likely to continue the cycle. Like you, I hope greater awareness of the consequences of divorce will inspire effective legislation, community, and faith-based initiatives that will make a difference. For nearly a decade, I’ve called for a national public education curriculum that includes a fourth “R” — Relationships — in addition to traditional classes in Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic. The moment standardized tests measure student aptitude in areas of interpersonal communication, emotional literacy, and conflict resolution, we’ll see a future generation capable of dramatically narrowing the gap between two worlds. Perhaps in some of your interviews you could raise the issue of our youth deserving to graduate high school with a solid foundation of relationship skills that offers hope for future success?
Posted on November 29th, 2005I have only just begun to read this very informative and important book, and I already have to thank you for what you have written. I have recently been forced to go through a divorce, one that I wanted desparately to avoid. We have two daughters, 10 and 6 years old, and although we have had one of those “amicable” divorces, I still see the strain on them. Just yesterday morning, as I lay in bed reading your book, my youngest daughter came into my room just after waking up, and told me that she did not want to go back home (my daughters and ex-wife currently live with my former in-laws). All I could do was comfort her, cry with her a bit, and make her feel better about everything.
Our divorce was, in my belief, avoidable. My wife suffers from manic depression/bipolar disorder, which has been attributed in large part to events of her childhood and the way her father treated her. Being married to a cop in a major metropolitan area certainly did not help her, and for a long time I was ignorant of the situation. Once I became aware, I worked to assist her, but it was, in her opinion, too late. And even though she had an affair with an Army officer, whom she continues to see now that we are divorced, I wanted to make this work, for us and our children. She often now excuses the children’s behavior as a way for them to try to take advantage of our emotions in this situation, to get what they want. She feels that absolutely no harm is coming to them as a result of the divorcee. I have politely disagreed, and your book seems to substantiate my feelings. Even now, I would love to be able to reconcile with my wife and create a better environment for our daughters. The one we had before wasn’t the perfect one that we envisioned, but it was full of love for our daughters. You are right: children deserve that, if we as parents can just work harder to avoid divorce and provide it for them.
In Georgia, divorce will happen even if only one of the parties wants it. There is no fighting against the divorce. My choice was to either agree to an uncontested divorce, and remain on amicable terms with my ex, or to contest the reasons for the divorce and try to fight for custody of my children. Because of my career, I chose to surrender to her wishes. It is just very difficult to care for children when you are a single parent and a cop. Our judges know that, and would’ve acted accordingly anyway. My children are, at least, safe and well cared for. But they still feel the pull every weekend, or every time an event at school comes up that I can’t get to. They will feel it this Christmas, when that Army officer is there with my kids, and I’m in an apartment by myself. It’s a shame that divorce in cases not involving domestic violence or spousal abuse can’t be more difficult to obtain, especially where children are involved, isn’t it?
Posted on November 29th, 2005Thank You so much for your research on this subject. I have been deeply effected by the divorce of my parents. They separated when I was three and, now, at 26 I’m still struggling with all of the internal conflicts that you’ve mentioned on the radio and in your articles. I’ve always been so disappointed by how many people minimalize the traumatic effect that this has on children. There was really so much weight plopped right on my tiny shoulders the day I was born into a world with battling parents. Who knows what would have happen if they didn’t split up. But my thoughts still ping pong around in my head trying to find an identity. My parents’ divorce made me tip toe around, always trying to be the perfect little girl so to not bother them while they licked their wounds, thinking the whole time that if I didn’t behave I would be extricated out of either one of their lives. I was in constant fear of losing another loved one in the battles. This fear has followed me into my adult life, always thinking that if I make a poor decision, those who are dear to me will just stop caring for me. Most times I push them away before they even have the chance to withdraw their love. So not only did I feel alone throughout my childhood but I’ve developed behaviors that keep me lonely now too. I don’t know how to not be afraid.
Posted on December 15th, 2005Dear Mrs. Marquardt,
My parents divorced years ago (1970) when I was 13 years old. I am now 48 and have been happily married for 24 years. I related to so many insights in your book and have not seen these issues discussed in other books I have read. I too never felt at home in either of my parent’s houses, and only felt at home when I moved away and my husband and I established our own place. Although I am much older than the people that you interviewed, the feelings are still there. Sometimes I feel like my own children are somewhat self centered. At times I think about what I was going through at their age and I feel jealous and irritated that they aren’t more grateful. In reading your book, I took comfort in knowing that as teenagers that is exactly what should be going on in their life instead of worrying about mom or dad fighting, money issues, running into the “other woman”, and abandonment, etc….
My healing has come in large part by raising my own children and working to keep my marriage strong. My husband and I both came from divorced homes and early on in our marriage we decided that “the buck stops here”. We were going to make our marriage different and a whole lot better and we were going to be there for our kids and would not subject them to the pains of a divorce. My children have 8 “Grandparents” and have on occassion asked us if we too are going to get divorced. We jokingly tell them that they are stuck with us! But, it gives me great joy to know that our children have absolutely no question that we are there for them and are totally committed to our marriage. We are Catholic and talk about marriage as a Covenant and a promise made to God. Our sons understand our committment to each other and to them.
Thank you again for your important work. I wish your book was required reading for all parents going through a divorce. But, my sense is that a lot of adults that seek a divorce are self-centered and would never dare read it because it would make them feel guilty for wanting what they want regardless of the pain it inflicts. So, as always, the readers of your book are probably children of divorce and not the adult that sought the divorce.
May God continue to Bless You,
Posted on May 10th, 2006Liz
I too, am halfway through this excellent book. I am a grandmother involved in an offspring’s unhappy marriage. Thank you Elizabeth for the time and trouble you have taken to write this very helpful book.
Posted on May 29th, 2006I was fortunate enough to hear you speak at the recent NYS Council on Divorce Mediation conference and have just finished reading your book. My parents divorced in 1967 and although I am older than your survey respondents I identified completely with their feelings and comments.
I too am in a long-term marriage (23 years), feel extremely proud that we worked hard to keep it together and raise our daughter in an intact family, and have lived in my “home” for 19 years.
Thank you for giving voice to what so many of us feel!
Bobbie
Posted on July 27th, 2006Congratulations on giving a voice to those who, so far, have not had one. That divorce can cause lingering anxiety in even well-adapted children is noteworthy. In light of this new information, adults should step back and reconsider the effects of their decisions on their children. The culture of easy divorce needs to be challenged. Parental sacrifice and committment should be supported and honored.
I can’t help but think that this sort of close treatment would be helpful for so many other groups of children. Perhaps others as talented as Ms.Marquardt will pick up the challenge to provide a thorough, respectful, insightful summary of the interior lives of other children in distress: those with family illness; those with family poverty; those with family drug abuse; those adapting to new and sometimes hostile cultures; those with parental infedelity; those from war zones; and many others.
It does not deny their suffering, I think, to suggest that all the problems faced by these children were challenges which allowed them to see what was really important in their lives. Those who adapted well noted the importance of living their lives in honorable, loving ways. This is paramount today, as it has always been. I am echoing, in my own way, advice given by the Dalai Lama: our enemy, isasmuch as his adversity compels us to grow, is our friend. Seen in this light, even these children can give thanks for the problems they have come through. As they offer up their pain, they celebrate their own overcoming of it. In many ways, that is how I view this book: those children are offering up their anxiety, distress, pain, and fear and making a commitment, as it were, to celebrate love and fidelity in their own lives. How inspiring!
Posted on September 14th, 2006Thanks for being on the front lines of the positive side of marriage. As a district superintendent over hundreds of churches in Northern New England and over 30 years of pastoral ministry we need to continue to fight for the sanctity of marriage. Too many end marriages that God can heal. My sister Dr. Linda Mintle also writes on divorce proofing marriage, and we both were blessed to be raised in a godly home in southwestern Michigan, our parents will celebrate their 61st wedding anniversary this January. Blessings on you … by the way, my last name is just a coincidence, we are not related, at least I don’t think so!
Posted on October 6th, 2006Elizabeth,
When I was young my father was hot headed and distant; emotionally, if not at times physically abusive. My mother was, very frankly, a weak willed person. She became an almost compulsive liar in order to avoid confrontation or to rationalize to herself her own poor moral behavior. Consequently, she became much better and more comfortable at being my peer than my parent.
When I was 12 years old in the 6th grade my father went TDY for a week. I remember my mother calling me into the living room before I left for school… her eyes were puffy and she had obviously been crying. She sat down next to a 12 year old boy, the oldest of three siblings, and asked him point blank if she should divorce his father.
My father had recently been physically abusing my dog “Patches” for digging holes in the back yard. A couple of weeks prior to his trip I had come home from school to find that Patches was gone.
I said “Yes”.
An emotional, physical, and financial hell that would be my life for the remainder of my very short lived childhood began and so it did also for my younger sister and brother.
I attended college but did not graduate… I am now happily married, have a moderately successful career, and four beautiful children of my own.
I came to find out some years ago from my uncle that my mother had been seeing the man that would become my step “father”… well before the divorce… additionally, that the financial uncertainty I had endured as a child was partially due to the fact that my mother and step “father” had systematically smoked or snorted her balance of the divorce assets within the first year of the divorce.
At some level… having my own children and loving them as I do has only deepened the wounds.
In spite of my saving faith and the capacity for forgiveness that the Lord has allowed me to experience… I have never healed and fear I never will… truly, something inside me is dead.
This note to you is an extreme exception in behavior for me… with often tremendous difficulty, I struggle to be transparent with people, to truly trust anyone.
From the bottom of my soul and on behalf of the hurting children of divorce everywhere, some of them still living inside of what otherwise appear to be “well adjusted” adults… thank you for this work.
Sincerest regards,
Posted on October 12th, 2006Robert
I am a 46 year old (male) child of a 1966 divorce. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life and only recently have taken on the challenge of therapy to find and face the source of my feelings and emotional pain. I ordered your book today and can’t wait to receive and read it. Finally, children of divorce have a voice, other than the internal one which nags so many of us. Appreciating any tips on working to the source of these inner conflicts in therapy.
Posted on November 25th, 2006You really are a ripoff, Elizabeth. I would like to request that I have my money back. You position yourself as a writer/nonpartisan person. In fact, you are schilling for some awakening/Telavangilist goofy cause.
I’m not interested in you. And, Elizabeth, I want my money back. Your are a fraud in what you say — several chapters in to your “book,” and you know little about children of divorce.
How dare you. What, exactly, do you hope to gain from such a book. Really. You write poorly, and you speak from no experience, except to push the whole awakening cause on folks.
HOW DARE YOU.
Posted on November 29th, 2006An enlightening book, even to someone whose parents managed to achieve a “good divorce.” However, I wonder whether your definition of a good divorce should be revised to consider more directly the interests of the children. According to your definition, a couple can manage a good divorce while achieving lousy parenting.
Posted on January 5th, 2007I have just read a article in the Readers Digest, I noticed that when you were giving percentages you you wrote some as numbers and some as letters eg. ninety percent as opposed to 71%, why havent you been consistant in your format. It appears that you not so cleverly were trying to draw attention to the percentages that you want emphasised in your favour. Only part way through your article it became very transparent that this study of yours is from a christian perspective. Its sad that you think people are to stupid to see through it.Im with Becky and her comments
Posted on January 14th, 2007Elizabeth,
Thanks for a fascinating read with this book. Over the years, I’ve read dozens of books, even more journal articles, and many publications released on varying studies into the impact of divorce on kids. Most of my interest is self-serving, to help be the parent that my child needs and to try to minimize the impact on her parents’ failure to keep an intact home.
Your book takes this issue in a new direction– just as we’ve gotten pretty good at managing the outward quantitative measures of childhood outcomes, you introduce deeper wounds and challenges that children of divorce must learn to live with.
While many marriages can be salvaged, some separations and divorces are unavoidable for a variety of reasons.
I’d love to see a second book, and I imagine so many would welcome it, to take your findings and start to explore how separated parents can try to mend the spiritual and deeper wounds of their minor children (and, perhaps even their adult children).
I appreciate your work.
Posted on February 23rd, 2007Dear Elizabeth,
Me too grow up in a broken family, or rather, a non-existent family. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was sent away to live with a paid guardian overseas for 2 years and later, on my own, enstranged from their ever since.
You can practically say I grew up all by myself with ocassional visits to my mother and father in their separate families. Your article published in the Readers’ Digest really sent me bursting into tears. Your words describe so aptly of me.
Not only children of divorced parents grew up in emptiness and loneliness with lots of confusion in values, they also face a lot of disprivilleges in life later on. I know I have to share this with you, but I can pretty much guessed that you must have experienced it yourself too. What I wanted to let you know is that, I had faced a lot of missed opportunities in school just because I don’t have the financial resources like my other classmates who grew up in intact families.
For example, many of my secondary schoolmates ( who had lousy grades in school) could afford to study medicine overseas and later on became medical doctors, lawyers, etc , while for me, even though I had better grades, without the financial resources, I couldn’t go that far even I had the talent or abilities.Many of my classmates could afford to go overseas exchange programs to gain experiences, but not me.
While, I was studying in the U, I couldn’t get a PhD scholarship because my grades aren’t that fantastic as compared to those who could afford the time to study. I practically had to work like 30hrs a week just to make ends meet. While I was working to pay my bills, my classmates were studying daily with their study groups, go on class outings to dine at expensive restaurants while I had to make do with instant noodles at home.
Also, my other friends from intact families had the joy of having relatives from extended families, while I have none. Due to the fact that my parents are divorced, my mother’s relatives hate my father and vice versa, in the end, I am not welcomed by both side of my relatives.
The feeling’s like, why was I born in the 1st place? If these parents aren’t going to take care of me, or provide a ‘life’ for me, what’s the point in bringing a child into this world? I’ve always felt like I was brought to this world to suffer for their mistakes, and this feeling didn’t go away for a long long time.
You were right, I do love my parents because they gave me life, but I don’t respect them.
However, I am grateful for the things I have achieved in life so far given the kind of environment I grew up in. I ‘ve learnt this distasteful life first hand growing up as a bridge between 2 worlds, I won’t let my children suffer the same.
Posted on April 12th, 2007Dear Elizabeth—
I thank you for your work! My son-in-law is from a multiple-divorced family. Your book has given me the opportunity to understand him better… He has expressed his gratitude to be able to talk about it.
I’m writing a chapter for a CFM book (Christian Family Movement) on Marriage and your work has helped me address Adult children of divorce and issues of cohabitation. I think there’s a deep underlying fear for many today, that they will not be able to make a permanant commitment to another.
I’m also very grateful you’ve focused on the impact on the children… there are so many adult decisions that are impacting children these days…
I’ve worked as a Pre-school teacher and had a whole class of “day-care” kids… many of them DON’T fare well… they feel sick and miss their Mamas… they develop emotional issues because of the lack time and attention from their own parents. They “bond” to the care-taker, needing a consistent relationship w/ a loving adult. Kids can’t speak for themselves!
Gratefully,
Posted on April 30th, 2007Robin
Dear Mrs. Marquardt,
I was happy to come across your website. I have written on singleness and marriage, and share your pro-marriage convictions. I am impressed that you are a “women’s studies” graduate, and yet seem to be conservative. I will look for your blog posts in the future.
Blessings,
Posted on June 27th, 2007Alex Chediak
My Dad left when i was 8. I’m now 40. And, yes, his leaving had a huge effect on me. I only saw him rarely after he left. Sometimes only once a year, sometimes not at all for two or three years. It devastated me and left me wrestling with abandonment issues for years. It certainly made adolescence tougher than it had to be - discovering boys when after all my own dad had left me.
But I’m grateful today that I was raised in only one home. That I wasn’t a ping pong ball bounced between two homes. The certainty of having once place to take root and grow strong was a big help to me. It helped me gain my own confidence and view of the world. And that enabled me to keep a center of stability even while events around me have been rocky.
I’m very successful, college educated engineer, with a master’s degree and a salary that puts me in the next to the highest tax bracket. I’ve lived around the world using an independence I developed growing up in a single parent home. I’m happy, have great friends, and a full life. I had to develop resourcefulness and resilience as a child. Having a little trouble in my life was not a terrible thing. No child has a perfect life. In the 40s, it was the war that tore families apart. In the 20s, it was the depression. There have always been and will always be children with bad parents or dead parents, poor children, ill children, and children who just don’t mesh with their parents. Striving to help people make better families is a good thing. And, yes, I would have preferred my parents stayed together though that would have been a disaster. But I’m glad that I didn’t have the perfect little life. I grew back stronger in the broken places and that strength has made me who I am today. And I like who I am. We need to stop judging each child’s life by the standard of ‘the perfect life’ or their ‘best interests’ (meaning how to give them the perfect life) when it’s good enough parenting and a good enough life that is more likely realistic and less likely to imply that we are destroying children who don’t have the perfect life.
That said, today my father and I have a good relationship, one that only would have been possible as adults. We even share season tickets to a college football team. And he loves my own kids. I have learned not to expect too much and accept him on his own terms, something I would not have been able to do as a child.
I think that I did okay because I had only one home and only one parent. I feel SO sorry for children today who bounce back and forth without one place to really call their own. Instead, they’re living a fractured life between two places, two people, two bedrooms, two sets of toys, even two sets of siblings sometimes. How horribly lonely they must feel. I know myself well enough to know that that would have been even more devastating for me in a situation that already had lasting emotional effects. In striving to give everyone what they want in a divorce, we shortchange the development of these young identities. I agree with the author that bouncing them around leaves they to reconcile disparate that their own parents could not. Children deserve one place to call their own - their own family. A core for their identity that needs no reconciliation. Whether that is one parent, two parents together, or a grandparent, it is consistency over time that is needed to develop trust in others, in the world, and ultimately in oneself.
Posted on July 16th, 2007Dear Elizabeth,
I want to thank you for championing these very important values. I live in Israel where the divorce rate seems to be reaching epidemic proportions. I would not be surprised if it has surpassed that of the USA.
Divorce has become very much the trend, with many believing it’s all in the name of the pursuit of individual happiness.
But someone always get hurt, it is almost always on someone else’s account: the spouse, the children, even the extended family. While “happy” person pursues his or her happiness, there is much destruction and sadness left behind.
I have seen this often enough. In my own case, as well: an “amicable”, quick divorce that plummeted me into a deep, shattering depression for several months. I was useless to my (not young) children, who were in turn affected and the affects keep going on and on. The family unit is gone.
And if I ever hear the trite cliche “Chapter Two” again, I will scream.
In the case of low conflict marriages, there are many many tools available to keep couples together and save families before they are destroyed.
Please keep spreading your word; eventually the tide may turn.
Respectfully,
Posted on September 25th, 2007Erika
I have not read your book yet, but did read an article you wrote on this subject. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving a voice to a generation of people who had their lives turned upside down by divorce. 35 years after my parents divorce, I still feel the effects. I am now 42 and have been married to my husband for 18 years. We have a 9 year old and 4 year old. Both my husband and I came from divorced families and suffered the emotional and economic impact of our parent’s divorces. The relationship I have with my parents is marginal at best. My husband has distant relationships with both his parents as well. We both feel strongly that the most important thing we can do for our children is keep our marriage strong and our family intact.
Posted on October 4th, 2007Hi, I like the book. I am tired of dealing with issues cause by one spouse or the other. It is like their priorities are ME, MONEY, FAMILY. For some reason, the value list is not correct, and both people are not working hard to make it work. Each person has a story.
Being a dad, I have look over, read, and thought about my divorce. He nightmare it causes in dealing with the world of the past and my 2 kids. I decided to abandon. I don’t want the headaches. I decided to move on, as a friend of mine was being investigated by children services for slapping his boy on the hands for stealing in a store. He had to go into how hard he hit, where, how many times, and if he had any jewelry on.
At that time, my decision was made, and I don’t regret it now.
I think more dads should walk away from kids. I am actually, for it. I am finding that many are also for it.
I don’t all it abandonment. I call it walking away after the fact. My spouse already had abandoned the family / kids, as she spent $900 a month just on clothes. I was just making the last walk.
Posted on April 2nd, 2008I have not read your book yet, but have come upon articles supporting it. I am 55 and just realizing pieces of my personality that still resonate with the loss of my father at age 10 through divorce. My father was a pastor and a very nice man. My mother was also very nice, but very needy and I was the stalwart child that cared for her. Quite by the hand of God, I have recently come upon books by Steakly, H. Norman Wright and the book - The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - all of which have opened my eyes and actually allowed me to let go of some baggage I did not even realize I was carrying. I would very much like to find a support group for adult children of divorce in order to “throw open the blinds” on other needless baggage that I must be carrying around. I have “illusive” health issues that I now suspect tie in to the overwhelming loss and great sorrow that I masked as a child in the name of “resiliency.” I am a Christian and owe my sanity to our great Abba Heavenly Father. My dear husband and I have been married for 35 years, have three grown children and eight grandchildren. I began to regain the lost joy of my childhood through our own children and to experience the hilarity of childhood through our grandchildren!! Our God is truly Father to the Fatherless and He puts the lonely in families!! I am so thankful. I look forward to getting your book and devouring it. It is time for the adult childern to speak out and share their stories in order to dispel the fallacies of “easy divorce.”
Posted on September 17th, 2008Sincerely,
Lucy
Hi Elizabeth,
I just saw a title “The Child-Friendly Divorce”, Copyright 2004 on Amazon.com. Strike one. I looked further into the book and I think it really plays down the effect on children. It does try to address their trauma, but more in a matter-of-fact way. Strike two. There is a chapter entitled “Living Happily Ever After.” Strike three. This book seems to be what you have referred to in your book as “happy talk” for the benefit of the parent. But there are SO MANY of these types of books out there. I worry that the message of your book and that of Judith Wallerstein’s research is very obscured.
I read your book and found it so enlightening on what I have long suspected. I am an atheist, and do not remember feeling in the slightest bit an attempt at evangelizing Christianity as some posters felt. I merely was drawn into the stories of the children of divorce and their pain, far too often overlooked or ignored. This book really needed to be written for the children of divorce, parents, and professionals involved with divorce. But somehow, I don’t get the feeling that the message is getting the visibility it should.
I am really sorry to see that your work was actually interpreted by some to support abandonment of the kids!!!!! Didn’t they read the stories of the pain that Dad moving across the country caused??? I can’t believe that T.A. is so emotionally obtuse as to have read your book and still think only about himself and HIS inconveniences. Shame on him. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
Parents bring their kids into this world and they have a responsibility to put them first and raise them, however difficult it might be. My children’s father is a drug addict and things were VERY difficult for the kids and me for a very long time. But, my kids wanted their father in their lives, and I thought that was extremely important, so I stayed put when my job got transferred 1500 miles away, and I even tried to save his life several times and would do it again. Divorce was one of those inevitable things for us because of the obstacles so much bigger than ourselves and the horrible circumstances it provided for my children’s environment, but never did I think of it as “happy”. I know my kids didn’t. I am certain they have endured pain of which I have only had a glimpse.
Thank you.
Posted on February 4th, 2009Elizabeth,
Your work in the area of divorce is essential to the continuing dialogue of marriage dissolution. Specifically, the perspective in “Between Two Worlds” helps complete the psychological picture of a child’s struggle. In some circles you are seen as the champion to those who feel that “The Good Divorce” does not accurately define their experience of divorce. Thank you for representing a once silent majority, and bringing their struggle to the forefront.
As the questions of what to do about divorce get increasingly complex, your work becomes all the more important. New legal models of regulation and ever increasing entrenchment, in stigmatized ideals, thwarts many honest attempts at providing understanding to those in need.
Thank you.
Posted on March 2nd, 2009My parents divorced when I was five. I am currently fourty-one and am experiencing feelings of anger, frustration, and emotions that I cannot understand. Please, when a marriage counselor suggests, “Take care of yourself first, your kids will adjust”, do not listen to that advice. Run away from that counselor as fast as you can. Your kids will never adust.
Posted on March 22nd, 2009I picked up your book earlier this week and it articulate what I has been troubling me for months. I bought it immediately. The book is long on problem and short on solutions. What strategy is there for a parent that understands the problem, but is powerless to change the outcome?
I am the middle of an mediated amicable divorce…that I don’t want. There is nothing I can do to compel my wife to spend any of the effort of dissolution of a 19 year marriage on reconciliation. She’s expressed her position as being tired, consumed and wanting to “work on herself”. It haunts me that we didn’t try.
With eyes wide open I am going through a process I know in my heart to be wrong. All I have within my power is to tell my four boys I am sincerely sorry for laying this rough road before them.
There is no sugar sweet enough to make lemonade from these lemons!
Posted on May 6th, 2009As a mother of three of the abandoned children I know that what you say can only assist them in ways that I cannot. Right now my son, who is 17, is falling apart because his Dad walksd out when he was 4 years old. It didn’t do any good that I told each of them that he loves them and probebly regrets what he has done.
Tonight I placed a call to Child Enforcment Services (I don’t have his phone number as his girlfriend didn’t want me to have any information on him or his whereabouts) with tears in my eyes asking that they have him call me….so that he could explain that it his leaving had nothing to do with his son. I am taking my son for counseling, and probably medicine because he is so depressed….I am scared because for the first time I can’t help my son….I wished I had tried more even after my ex committed adultry. My children deserved better..maybe this book will help others “see” the light so that children will not have so much pain. I am blessed to have my children and love them so much, and this is so hard…thank you for giving our children a voice!
Posted on July 29th, 2009Dear Elizabeth,
Posted on August 10th, 2009This is as raw as it gets. I just happened onto this site goofing around in the middle of the night.
Your depth in this matter is remarcable. And your ability to pen your feelings shows a close relationship between heart and mind.
Many hours of being alone with my tears has shown me who I really am yet I’m still not sure from whom or where I came. I knew my parents from a distance. My older brother took the stage most always. And this story could go on forever.
I have only read what’s available on this site. Wow. I’ve been divorced form my Children’s mother for eighteen years. My former wife and I have made great strides, thinking it was better to have this so so relationship with each other because of “the kids”. Well, a few months ago that ended. We were watching our new grandson together at my home once a week, all day. The part about growing apart, a different faith, different interests, etc. became very evident. I have had this fantasy for years about moving away, but I always thought it was better for us to live in close proximity to each other and the kids. At times we were kind to one another and other times we were not. The idea of going from one world to another has helped me to understand what my children have been dealing with all these years. Of course I could talk about this for hours or days. I have a clearer picture of what’s necessary but it comes with a fear. I guess I’m not as strong as I thought I was when I was fantacising.
Wish I could meet you and have coffee. I can tell in my heart of hearts we could go deep in this subject.
I will purchase the book and bury myself in it.
Thanks for all the work you must have put in to this book. I am already grateful and haven’t even read your book.
I have just begun to read your book. I will admit it is heart wrenching as I am divorced and remarried with two children. I applaud any endeavor that engages in emotional honesty in regards to any tough issues. Though from an intact family I did not experience anything close to emotional honesty and suffer from many of the same attributes that your divorced subjects do. I want to read the book to be able to help my own daughters with the problems your book implies they will encounter. I do believe you. I want to listen. I think this is important.
What I think would be as interesting and important is to go back further. Why did so many people from intact families go on to divorce if that is the rock solid foundation and missing piece? Why are so many people culturally encouraged to marry? Why do we as a society reward marriage financially (but only for those folks that are hetero) but have an utter lack of dialogue about being happy in a relationship? And why did I, coming from an intact, christian family grow up with the same psychological anxieties, doubts, insecurities as your divorced samples despite being in one home and having two parents?
The subject is IMPORTANT. Your look is at the end result of the problem and it deserves time and attention to be sure. And I will heed all of your opinions. However, much like the debate over abortion from groups that prohibit sex education we will continue to fight a losing battle if we only examine one facet of the problem (albeit a vital one). I also don’t think organized religion should get off easy on any of these issues as they tend to organizationally encourage emotional dishonesty, people pleasing to one’s own detriment and then scorn when you can’t fit the bill.
Posted on December 16th, 2009I think is important for you to include your religion somewhere on this website. It would be very helpful to know where you are coming from.
Posted on January 13th, 2010I just watched your interview with Merideth Vieira and I thought I’d comment on a statement you made at the end. You said “every woman longs for a child.” That’s not true. I don’t know if you just said it because you were being rushed or if that’s something you really believe. Not every woman longs for a child and statements like that belittles women who don’t.
Posted on February 21st, 2010Dear Scott - That’s a good point you make. I should have been more nuanced.
Dear Fredie — I’m not sure when it became a requirement that people in the public square declare their religious beliefs on their websites, but since I’m delighted to talk about it, I’m happy to tell you I’m a member of the Baha’i Faith. Learn more at www.bahai.us You can learn more about my earlier spiritual journey by reading the chapter “Child-Sized Old Souls” in Between Two Worlds.
Thanks to all who comment! I read them all!
Posted on February 25th, 2010I just learned of your work today and I am looking forward to reading the book. I am divorced and have one child, a girl. I felt and still feel that instead of having ‘2′ homes she is actually ‘homeless.’ She use to ask kids to come over to ‘her’ house before the divorce now she asks them if they can come over to ‘mom’s house’ or ‘dad’s house’ It’s sad. If you think about two children being a little company - could a company survive being directed by two different CEO’s. One in charge Monday thru Thursday, the other incharge Friday thru Sunday. Switching alternate Wednsdays. NO! Of course not. Answer the phone this way for half the week and another for the other half. Use yellow sticky notes for half the week and blue for the other half. Come into the office at 8:00 am for this half and 9:00am for the other. You get my point. No Adult would work or live in that envirnment and yetwe ask our children to. I wanted to ask the Judge that granted ’shared’ custoday, if she would spend a year packing and un-packing between two homes. Not having a choice about where she wanted to be. Not having the things she needed when she needed them. I wante to say, “You live that way for a yean and then you can make my kid live that way.” Of course she did not so I moved 3 states away. Instead of being bounced back and forth 72 times a year, my daughter flys back to see her day 5 times a year, for longer time frames, giving her time to adjust to a differnt environment and rules. It was the best I could do.
Posted on June 15th, 2010I have read your book and have studied your video about the spiritual effect on children of divorce.
Posted on August 2nd, 2010I was not a child of divorce and my marriage was intact for 48 years until my wife died. My children had the benefit of 2 parents who were only slightly disfunctional but managed to muddle thru all the challenges of keeping a mariage and family together.
There were several parts of your book that made me smile as you revealed some of your struggles. The best one for me was your struggle to find support from churches and your comments about the one congregation that emphasized that all your fun activities may be a sin! I have contacts with kids today are going thru struggles similar to yours. One of my 20 year old friends commented about writing a paper on ‘my two closets’. I encouraged her to do so and I believe after reading your book, I know some of what her paper included. Your book should be support for others in situations like yours.
Dear Elizabeth,
Posted on October 2nd, 2010I am in the middle of reading Between Two Worlds and it has been so encouraging. I grew up in a “good divorce” and it was not good to me AT ALL. People always praise us for how good we (kids) have turned out and how well the divorce of my parents worked out, but I have been screaming inside for all 28 years - “My parents divorce was not good. It was so sad and it still is.” I am happily married with three beautiful boys (5,3 and 2). My parents divorce still makes me cry as I can’t imagine doing that to my boys. Also, I still miss growing up with my dad. My parents never like me to talk about how it hurt me, so I have been forced to smile and pretend I am happy they are divorced. I thought I was just not extending grace, being self-focused or maybe playing victim. I never talk about it because all the people around me (who don’t come from divorced homes) think that I should be over it. I am embarrassed to go to counselling (I never was given that. Of course, my parents both had it. They thought we were resilient.) I was just playing grown-up with them because i didn’t think they could handle my pain b/c they were all distressed themselves about the divorce.) I also don’t have the money or babysitters for counselling. However, a friend recommended your book. I feel like I have been to free counselling. Thank you for being brave enough to speak out on this for me. When I read your book I feel “normal” and SO understood finally after so many years. Thank you.
I have just finished reading your book, and I want to thank you sincerely for your labor of love. I want you to know how much your book has meant to me. It was the first book I read about adult children of divorce and my link to this group of people out there who have so many similar experiences and outlooks on life. I am 29, and my parents divorced when I was 15. Thank you for rewarding my first attempt to reach out and find information.
So much of what you said in the book resonated with me, but I especially want to thank you for the way you concluded the book. I am in a secure, happy marriage and have been for six years now, but I remember the time shortly before my husband and I met, when I first dared to dream about the kind of man I might like to marry and the kind of marriage I wanted to have. We do not yet have children, but when we do, I will point to this day, having finished your book and reached the ending, where you discuss what children of divorce wish for their children and how you and others have found “homes,” as the moment when I began to dream about what my family could look like. Until now, I’ve worried a lot that our family would have to follow the path of my original nuclear family. You’ve given me hope and opened a door to dreams that can take shape in the future. Thank you.
Posted on April 17th, 2012